An Open Letter to Big Timmy’s Burger Palace

First off, let me say that any Big Timmy’s fanbois can skip right over this letter. You may be entitled to your opinion, but I don’t have to listen to it. If you plan to whine about how Big Timmy’s can do no wrong, you can go kiss ass somewhere else.

I have been eating at Big Timmy’s Burger Palace since before it opened. I was one of their original burger tasters, so I know all there is to know on the subject. If need be, I can also provide a resume of other burger places where I’ve eaten so that you know I’m not just some noob when it comes to what makes a burger place great.

Okay, now that we’ve got the groundwork established, let it be known that the whole staff of Big Timmy’s Burger Palace should be fired. I’m sure some of the cooks and cashiers are nice people, but they deserve to lose their jobs. Especially the managers, who clearly have no vision for what a burger place should be. They have betrayed us time and time again, and I’m not going to take it any longer.

Back in the old days, Big Timmy’s was run by people who cared. They made all their burgers just right and really knew how to serve their customers. Everyone who ate there always left happy, and I never heard anyone say a bad word about anything, ever.

Nowadays, all you hear is complaints. Whenever someone says the name Big Timmy’s, you just know they’re going to be bitching about something. When will Big Timmy’s get a clue? The president of the company needs to be replaced with someone competent, a fact which is known by everyone. Anyone who disagrees is obviously an ass-kissing fanboi.

Way back when, it took us a long time to get our burgers. But that was cool, because it made the burgers that much more special. After all, what good is a burger if you don’t have to wait for it?

All that changed when Wally’s World of Burgers opened down the street. They served food faster, and soon had way more customers than Big Timmy’s did. So rather than stay true to what made them great, all of a sudden Big Timmy’s was serving their food faster too. They totally dumbed down the burger-eating process, because you could get your food immediately whenever you wanted it.

Well, I have news for you, Big Timmy’s. Not all customers want their food quickly and easily. Just because noob burger eaters are too stupid to wait an hour or so for a good burger doesn’t mean you have to make it fast for everyone. Well, that’s proof positive Big Timmy’s has ruined a good thing due to their cluelessness. What a total lack of vision. Way to betray customers who have been loyal to you.

Here’s another example. It used to be that the dessert menu had Chunky Apple Crispy Fritters, a damn tasty little treat. Well, one day I come in and all of a sudden it’s Frosted Chunky Apple Crispy Fritters. So I’m like whatever, that’s cool, but then two weeks later it’s back to the non-frosted variety. When I asked the cashier what was up, he said the frosted ones were only there for a limited time. What a load of crap! Make up your mind and stop playing these back-and-forth games with us, Big Timmy’s.

And have you looked at the decoration inside the restaurant? Big Timmy’s is supposed to be so modern, but there are burger joints that are five years older that have way better interior design. Hell, I took a two-week art appreciation course at the community college and I could make a more attractive place to eat. You really need to fire whoever painted the walls and hung those ugly pictures, Big Timmy’s. Please hire someone with a sense of style like they did at Wally’s World of Burgers.

The staff at Big Timmy’s is just plain lazy. There are all kinds of ways they could improve their current food, such as adding spicy mustard instead of regular or putting seasoning on the Natural Long Crispy Fries. Instead, they ignore problems and add new items to the menu that nobody asked for, like the new Cheesy Stuffed Jalapeno Rings. I mean, come on! Take care of your existing food before adding new items to the menu.

And please, for the love of God, tell me why you are offered Spicy Chipotle Barbeque Dippin’ Sauce with an order of Timmy’s Crunchy Onion Stix, but you don’t get it with Timmy’s Tasty Curly Crunchfries? I mean, how is that fair to Crunchfry fans? Once again you play your flavor-of-the-month game and ignore what your loyal customers want. Crunchfry lovers are being treated like Big Timmy’s red-headed stepchildren.

Then there’s the lack of respect Big Timmy’s shows to us. A few weeks back I was munching down on a Double Grilled Mushroom Combo when I noticed there were clearly fewer mushrooms than there used to be. When I asked the cashier about this change, they lied to me and said they haven’t changed the number of mushrooms they put on their burgers. Well, I have data from previous Double Grilled Mushroom Combos that shows they reduced the mushroom count by 37.5%. The numbers don’t lie, Big Timmy’s, but clearly you do! Way to stealth nerf my burger!

Based on the way they treat us, it’s clear that Big Timmy’s hates their customers. It’s obvious that the employees don’t even eat their own food. If they did, they’d make all the changes I have suggested. In fact, I have it on good authority that they fired all the people who used to taste test their food, and now all taste testing has been outsourced to other countries. That’s like betraying America itself!

Worst of all, Big Timmy’s is run by Nazis who don’t believe in freedom of speech. See, I was in there just yesterday ordering a Big Timmy’s Triple Bacon Burger, and I told them how instead of cheddar cheese, the burger should come with Swiss cheese. And they were like, “Sorry sir, but we don’t have any Swiss cheese.” Naturally I had a perfect right to be pissed, so I asked the cashier if she knew that Swiss cheese was both healthier and better tasting on a burger than cheddar, and of course she was totally clueless.

Well, I wasn’t going to just stand for that, so I started talking to the other people in line and telling them how they should demand Swiss cheese instead of cheddar. I broke out my notepad and started taking down their names so I could send a petition to the president of Big Timmy’s so he could change the menu like the customers wanted.

But guess what? The Nazis in charge of Big Timmy’s told me to leave the restaurant because I was being “disruptive.” What a joke! They couldn’t stand to face the truth, so they used Gestapo tactics to shut me up. That’s just pathetic and sad, Big Timmy’s. This just proves you are the laughing stock of the burger world and are too scared to face the fact that your restaurant is a sinking ship.

Let me clue you in to something, Big Timmy’s staff. I pay your salaries! Big Timmy’s is my restaurant, not yours. I mean, I spend nearly $20 a month at your establishment. How dare you think that serving me tasty food in a timely manner is your only obligation! If I, who pays your salaries, want the menu changed, then you damn well better change it!

You’re not the only burger place in town, Big Timmy’s. Maybe once upon a time you could bully your customers, but no longer. In fact, I am certain you will go out of business when Hungry Pete’s House of Burgers opens sometime next year. They will know how to treat their customers right, and all of you will be on the unemployment line.

I demand a response from Big Timmy’s on the issues outlined above. If they do not respond, then they are admitting I am 100% right. I’m sure they don’t have the guts to say anything, but if they do it’s just going to be a bunch of crap from the spin experts they hired. Those guys pretend to tell you stuff, but we all know it’s just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. You can never get a straight answer out of any of those PR weasels.

Okay, all you fanbois can go ahead and flame away. I’m not going to read any of the replies to this anyway, so say whatever you want. All this writing has made me hungry, so I’m going to get me a Big Timmy’s Spicy Double Chicken Whammy and some Crunchfies. Later, losers.

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Steve Danuser, also known as Moorgard, is a a writer, editor, and game designer.

13 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Big Timmy’s Burger Palace”

  1. Happy first of April! :)

    Lest anyone take the above parody and try to use it as proof of me being a jerk, please realize it was meant with affection. I love the people on message boards, I really do… even if they sometimes make me crazy. So please read this article with a friendly wink. I hope you get as many chuckles reading it as I had writing it. ;)

  2. I’m jealous that California has better burger places than Oregon in the first place. I mean, we have better beer, so you’d think it’d be a fair trade, but you can’t drink beer and surf the web while you’re supposed to be working… right?

  3. I seriously thought you Californians had ANOTHER cool burger joint that Oregon doesn’t. Took me until you said “dumbed down” to get the joke. I’m so dense.

    On that note, though, why does California get all the cool burger places? I mean, in Oregon we have better beer (yes, there is life away from Coors Light and MGD), but I can’t just chill with a beer while I’m surfing the web (and supposed to be working).

    Oregon is like a suckier California with suckier weather.

    …but better beer. /boggle

  4. Would have been a much funnier parody if it left me laughing at the forum jerks rather than you. Its a little concerning that you seem to think that your product is really ok and the trolls just whinge because they love it so much.

    Hungry Pete has been selling well over 10 times as many burgers for the last year or so. If I worked at Timmy’s I might just be slightly worried. Especially if one of the big bosses had just been forced out. Maybe all the Big Timmy’s staff will get to keep their jobs. And watch all at Hungry Pete’s enjoy media attention, nice pay and all that kinda stuff.

    Maybe you should spend your time working, MG, instead of authoring unamusing humour pieces.

  5. Until you ruined it with your comment about the first of April, I thought this was the most hilarious thing I’d read in a long time.

  6. One word:


    Good Job! Articles like this are the reason I visit this place (and use the dev tracker every once in a while).

  7. Clearly, you have issues with Big Timmy’s Burger Palace. Perhaps Big Timmy’s isn’t the resturaunt for you, then. Have you ever considered that the customers of Big Timmy’s don’t care how many customers go to Wally’s World Burgers? Perhaps the customerbase of Big Timmy’s just prefers the flavor or atmosphere afforded by their resturaunt of choice.

    Regardless, I fail to see where you’ve backed your argument against Big Timmy’s with anything more than your own personal opinions couched as fact. Your personal preference, though noted, is truly only relevant to yourself. If you believe that this information was necessary to post, I personally would have recommended you do so on the Wally’s World forums as opposed to here.

    Then again, what you have posted violates several Big Timmy’s forum rules. You utilize post hoc reasoning, ad hominems attacks, and several other logical fallacies in order to make your “point”.

    At the end of the day, when all is said and done, the choice is yours. One day, when you have your own restuaraunt, you can run it however you like, but till then, you can continue to talk till you’re blue in the face and the cows come home, and I don’t know to break this to you but…and I just ran out of cliches. Nevermind. ;)


    Great fun, Steve. Absolutely wink-nudge funny.

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