Nerfcrap: Full of Lies!

Dear Ryan, I’m writing this post from my compound in Siberia, having just read your lie-filled post about me, which many of my good friends pointed out to me and begged me to reply to (plus, I saw the pingback). I really never thought we’d rehash the old days again, or that they’d still trouble you years later. Then again, I guess you live in the memories of your early twenties as much as you can, given the reality of your early-mid twenties. Glad to know I’m still the main dude in your thoughts.

I enjoyed your comments very much, but a bunch of my friends (of which I have tons, let me tell you!) didn’t laugh nearly as much as I did. While I don’t want to relive those days, nor will I let you rewrite history. I mean, it should be obvious to everyone that your new blog theme is just a shallow ripoff of mine, which is both completely original and superior in every way to your own.

Oh yeah, about those old days. While my job title was indeed “He Who Owns Blackguard’s Ass,” I made about 1/3 of what hotshots like you did. Nor did I get the $250k signing bonus Smed himself handed to you. About the only bright spot for me in those days was being able to trademark my very own catchphrase, the unforgettable “Suck it sideways!” I remind you of those days only to remind you to remind me to remind you that nothing, including your famous “bitch” ad, was done without your full approval.

My friends (of which, I’m not sure I mentioned, I have TONS AND TONS) also reminded me to remind you about the trail of ex-wives, bastard children, collarless puppies, untied shoelaces, and unrewound VHS tapes you left behind in your drug-fueled wunderkind days back when you actually designed websites with talent.

It’s been great catching up, but I’m off to dinner with friends (did I mention I have, like, HUNDREDS of them?) that I have known for more than fifty years. You take care now, and remember just because McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy’s, KFC, Subway, Taco Bell, Carl’s Jr., Taco John’s, and Sonic fired you doesn’t mean you’re not awesome!

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